(Thought-dump) 2/11/18

You Father the orphan
Your kindness makes us whole
And you shoulder our weakness
And your strength becomes our own
Now you’re making me like you
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes
For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt
And rid of all her shame
And known by her true name

  • The bolded lyrics have been on my mind a lot. Though, I don’t really feel shame anymore. At least, not in regards to my most recent, big oopsie. But, whenever I feel the shame of my struggles, I tend to now think of this song and those lines.
  • Voldy tried to add me on SC last night? I’m not sure if it was actually him though (blocked him regardless) or if it was intentional. Either way, I guess it unexpectedly affected me today.
  • During worship today, a random flashback to things we did charged into my thoughts. It came out of nowhere. I felt the weight of my shame in an instant. I tightened my hands, dug my nails into my palms. I tried to shake it off.
  • I wonder if I would have the same mistakes that I recently did, if Voldy and I never made those mistakes.
  • I wonder what I would be like right now if I had put the kind of space and distance that I should have. Would I still be as arrogant as I was then? Would I still be as judgmental? Would I be less empathetic? Would I be any less broken?
  • What would have happened if I confessed what was happening between us to someone? Who could I have even told? Our college pastor at the time, I guess? The sister in the year above me was definitely not the one to go to. She lost my trust halfway through my first semester that year. I wasn’t going to go to underclassmen about this.
  • Would my roommate have held it against me? Or would she have been understanding and tried to help me without judgment? Well, one thing’s for sure. It probably would have prevented the strain that my poor decisions the rest of the year had put on our relationship.
  • Gah. I should have done what I knew was right, despite what he said, despite him saying he’s alright, despite him saying he just wasn’t sure where I was but now he has closure.
  • I held the way he treated me against him for so long. I still feel like the one who was more wronged in the end. But, in the past two years, I have been questioning if I was infinitely more wrong. I am starting to revisit that question.
  • I should have told someone. When I realized my mistakes, the consequences, and my weakness, I should have told someone. Gah, wtf did I not tell anyone? Wtf was wrong with me then?
  • Then again, wtf is wrong me now, lol.
  • 생각보다 슬프고 아픈애..
  • How is that I continue to repeat my mistakes?
  • Why am I so selfish?

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