(Thought-dump) 2 weeks

When you have multiple things you wanted to write about but not enough complete thoughts, what do you do? You do another thought-dump.

  • I officially hit 2 weeks. Since starting this intentional tracking as I work to break these sinful habits, this is my longest record. Ten was my previous best and then that was broken in a very terrible way. There were definitely moments of strong temptation. PTL for getting me through those moments of weakness. Just gotta take it day by day.
  • I become increasingly convinced that God might really just call me to a life of celibacy, haha. I just can’t imagine myself liking anyone enough to want to pursue a serious relationship. I can’t imagine myself ever being in a place where marriage seems like a realistic possibility. I can’t imagine a life where my time isn’t my time, and where I get to expend it as I desire. The thought of sharing my life that intimately with someone really freaks me out.
  • In general, the thought of relationships freak me out/are not all that appealing to me anymore. Sarah and I talk about this often enough. Is this part of being young and being okay with not getting married?
  • Am I okay with not getting married or do I not want to get married? I don’t know, man. I’m only almost-25. It’s too early to know, I suppose. But, a part of me really thinks that I don’t want to be married.
  • But, I’m thankful. The desire for a relationship was such an idol for so long. I used to falsely believe (even if in my head, I knew better) that a romantic partner would cure my loneliness. Now, here I am, confessing to God that I trust Him enough to accept singleness as good gift, if that’s what He wishes.
  • I don’t know exactly when I’ll get to have this conversation with my friend. But, I’m a little scared. I’m mostly anxious because I’m not sure how to… tell her this full story. It would be easier if I just told her via messenger, but this is something that should be shared verbally, if possible. And, I mean, since these things called cellphones exist, it’s possible, haha.
  • But, I’m thankful for the brief moment this morning. Her apology and affirmation of her love for me was really needed. Thank God that my mom was upstairs while I sat there crying, heh. It also lifts some heaviness from my heart and I feel just a little bit more ready and prepared to talk to her.
  • I may feel a bit lost and shapeless now. But, I know that that doesn’t mean God isn’t working. Right as I’m feeling… stuck, one best friend shares that she feels convicted to start praying more, especially for others. She beats me to asking for prayer requests. This is the most pleasant surprise I could have asked for, coming into work this week. Then, my other best friend tells me that she’s sorry if I ever felt neglected and reassures me that she prays for my family and me constantly.
  • I may be having trouble feeling God’s presence or hearing His voice, but He is still calling out to me and working in my heart. I felt moved while praying for others tonight, especially for my dad and brother. I cried sorrowfully tonight as I once again, asked Him to help me let go of the guilt I feel because of my gpa. I don’t know what’s going on with my heart, but I know it’s beating.

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