You Hold Me Now

I can’t believe how quickly things have changed within me during the past ~7+ months.

I remember being in a pretty good place at the beginning of the year. I was back on my devotionals. I was at peace with God. I had forgiven the guy who left me feeling broken and all messed up inside. My relationship with my little brother was good.

Since then, I’ve had my rough patches, for sure.

But damn, I thought I had already experienced the worst day of the year when my brother was in the hospital.

The past week feels like a lifetime. This sorrow feels like an abyss.

My human nature, my sin, my selfishness, my anger – they are clouding my faith.

Still, I find immeasurable relief in my mom’s faith here, despite her rocky journey with church.

People keep telling me it’s okay to hurt and to cry and to feel. They’re not wrong. But tonight, I was struck with realization that I need to reign in my anger. I’m afraid that my anger at God will only fuel my brother’s anger and hurt and fall from church and God. If he is feeling an active anger towards God, it has to be different from mine.

No matter what my feelings are now, in the depths of my broken heart, I know that God is still good, that this pain will heal (no matter how impossible it feels now), that I will eventually find comfort and peace in knowing that my grandfather is home in the arms of our Creator, and that this is only a matter of temporary separation.

My brother’s salvation is infinitely more important than my grief.

We all deal with pain and grief differently.

I tend towards isolation.

I share my hurt through my blog posts because they are words I want to speak and to share, but to nobody in particular (it also saves me the repeated stabbed-in-the-heart feeling from having to tell individuals, again and again, what’s happening). There is nobody who can say anything to make it hurt less. There are no arms I want to hold me. There are no eyes I want to see me cry and come apart.

I’ve thought about asking someone to come along with me to the hospital. I’ve thought about calling friends while I cry and yell in my car. But in the end, I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want people who are going to feel helpless while standing before my suffering. I don’t want people to try and hold my hand or pat my back in these moments.

And I find myself hating my singleness intensely in these times. I know the only hand I would have wanted to hold, the only one I would have wanted by my side in that ICU room would have been a life partner. I desperately desire warm, gentle, understanding arms to pull me in when I am crying at night. Instead, I clutch my chest and hope to not be torn apart by my sadness. The temptation to run into any arms that will take me pounds in my ears in these moments.

God… please, help me to look towards you. I am tired and Your arms are the only ones that matter, the only reliable ones that I need.

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sickening
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

In this life finally stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There’s a hope that never fails

When You’re name is lifted high
And forever praises last
For the glory of Your Name
I’ll be livin’ for the day
You Hold Me Now – Hillsong


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