(Gratitude) August 2017

8/1 – Ok. I’m cheating a little and pulling some from last night but WHATEVER. I’m thankful for a God who shows constant grace to a daughter who is almost always graceless towards others. I’m thankful for His reminder that I am called to be a reflection of His love, especially following a day after I wrote about my inner ugliness and God’s beauty (great follow up reminder, God 😉).

I wrote the above portion before going to bed. A lot has happened since then.
I’m currently sitting in the hospital. I’ve been up since basically 3AM. I woke up to a panicked call from my grandma saying that gradnpa was unconscious and on the ground. I’m thankful we could respond quickly. He wasn’t breathing when she called and I was bracing myself for the worst, but the EMTs were able to get him breathing. I’m thankful tgat Temple hospital is so close to their apartment (a normal drive is 5 mins). I’m thankful for the sweet nurses and kind, gentle, compassionate doctor(s). I’m thankful for friends and sisters who are praying for my family and me right now. I’m thankful that after aching from sleeping in the most uncomfortable contortions while waiting for test results, I’m finally sitting in comfortable seats. I’m thankful for my mom’s friend who basically loves and cares for my family as if we were theirs, and her pastor husband who came to be with my grandfather while I was waiting downstairs for my mom and grandma. I’m thankful for a super understanding supervisor who had no problem with me taking the day off. Although my Korean is lacking (that’s an understatement) I’m glad I know enough and that my mom knows enough English for us to fumble our way through translations. I’m thankful my mom brought me leggings so my legs are no longer cold. I’m thankful that God gave me enough sense before I rushed out to grab my wallet so we could pay for the hospital parking. I’m thankful that God kept my brother and me level headed enough to drive.

8/2 – I am thankful that my grandma and mom haven’t collapsed. I’m thankful that the free lunch at work was pizza and that the garlic knots where bomb. Especially thankful that there was a free lunch at work since I didn’t have the time or energy to grocery shop and prep lunch last night. I’m thankful for friends who checked in to see how my grandpa was doing. I’m thankful for people sending me encouragement. I’m thankful for people sending my mother and grandmother encouragement. I’m thankful for my supervisor who also checked in to see how things were going after I asked to take yesterday off, telling her I had family in the ER. I’m thankful for the kindness she extended to me and I’m thankful that she had no hesitation in letting me WFH this coming Friday and Monday if I need, so I can be close to the hospital if anything else happens, so I can be home if my mom needs me. The ICU units only allow up to 2 visitors at a time. But, my grandpa’s nurse tonight and the resident allowed all four of us in (as we were leaving, I think one of the ladies expressed a degree of disapproval) and I’m very thankful. I’m thankful for the compassion she showered us with in exchange for our heartfelt thank you’s for doing that for us. I’m thankful for the IG friend/sister I made thanks to our poetry IGs. We started following each other’s personals too. She’s a believer too and saw my Temple University Hospital location tag on my IG post tonight. She asked me how she could pray for me and offered encouragement and reassured me that she will be praying for me as well. I’m so blessed by the way people are rallying in prayer for my family and me.

8/3 – I’m thankful for the messages I woke up to and for the messages I got throughout the day. I’m thankful for all the support I’m getting. One of my brother’s friends messaged me some encouragement and told me that he would watch out for my brother too. I’m blessed to know that my brother also has people who will be showering him with support and love. I’m thankful, again, for the prayers. I’m thankful that today is an extra day where his heart is still beating, an extra day to see him. I’m thankful for the friend and brother who also told me that he has been continually praying for my family, daily, beyond just the past few days. I’m floored by that kind of faith and that kind of love. I’m thankful that God got me through the day. The other team’s supervisor was laid off and today was her last day. I’m thankful for her. She was like a mother for our department. She’s such a genuinely sweet woman and though my time with her was short, I’m thankful for the 4.5 months that I did get to work and interact with her. I’m also glad that she seemed to handle the lay off well and I trust that God will be faithful and lead her to a new opportunity. I’m thankful for the friend on her team who wrote her a personal card (we signed a group card), which compelled me to also write her a personal card. She came up to me to say thank you and gave me a hug. I’m thankful for the moments of genuine laughter and lightheartedness at work today, for moments where I could joke and laugh with my co-workers.

8/4 – It’s Heana’s birthday so I will say that I’m especially thankful for her throughout the years. She’s basically known me since I was in my mama’s womb HAHA. And she’s been like an older sister to me over the years. Not like a church unni, not just a friend, but like the closest thing to an older, blood-related sister that I could have. I’m thankful for sisters and brothers who wanted to visit my grandpa. I’m thankful that I wasn’t alone tonight, that after much debate on whether or not I wanted to be alone today, God compelled me to reach out. A sister from my church reached out to me in email and I haven’t had the time to reply, my heart was extremely warmed by her words 💕 I’m thankful for another extra day.

8/5 – I’m thankful that I could go to the hospital with my grandma this time. It’s simultaneously the easiest and the hardest to go with her. I’m thankful that she’s eating, that she isn’t as physically worn out as I expected, that she’s hanging in there. I’m thankful that she’s eating. I’m thankful for today’s weather. I’m thankful that God’s goodness and love is independent of my faith and my current anger. I’m thankful for the lovely weather today. I took a nap with the cool breeze coming in, cool enough for me to curl up with my blanket. It was wonderful.

8/6 – I’m thankful that the weather was nice and cool for our last softball game. I’m glad I played this season so I could get to know some of my soon-to-be church brothers and sisters. I’m thankful for my cute sisters in Christ who show me so much love, one of them giving me a care package of goodies today. My grandma sounded more energetic today when she called me, so I’m thankful for that. Today, my mom told me that of course she wants me to hurry up and find someone and get married. The problem is that she doesn’t see any one good enough for me. My mom doesn’t say things like this often and for that kind of verbal affirmation to come out of her made me so happy.

8/14 – I called to check in on my grandma today. She had way more life and energy in her voice than compared to when I visited her on Friday. She went to her senior center activities today. She was surrounded by community yesterday. I’m thankful.

8/15 – I visited my grandma today and she had much more life and energy. When I visited the Friday before, the day after the funeral, she was lying so lifelessly in bed. It broke my heart and I ended up crying for awhile in my car. Today, there was no need for tears. She’s getting back on her feet. I’m thankful for that, for her, and for how God is shaking sense back into me by showing me that she’s getting back on her feet, so I should to.

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